Sharon Bayless is hosting a wonderful contest for who can create the worst fake query letter. Since breaking all the rules sounded like fun to me, I gave it a shot below. If you want a few laughs, hop around and vote for the worst of the worst!
Even if you're not familiar with what a query letter should entail, it is clear what parts should be left out, especially when dealing with a professional agent who has the choice to represent you in the publishing world.
Dear Mr., Ms., or Mrs. (insert your name here),
(Please imagine the Jeopardy music countdown song that plays during the last round as you read this. It will impress upon you the serious nature of your time running out as other agents bid on this manuscript.)
Hook: Every time freckle nosed WANDA STOLER steps on a dandelion, someone between the ages of 10-56 dies suddenly. Without warning. You cannot imagine all the multiple and various ways these people die. Think Final Destination 4. Wanda, who lives with her head in the clouds (not literally) doesn’t realize what a murderer she really is. Until she goes to a fair once upon a September. There is a lady there who is part of Siamese twins who is a psychic and reads people’s funnel cakes. Her twin just juggles.
When the powdered sugar on Wanda’s funnel cake spells out the word Murder-er, all bets are off. Wanda enlists the help of her pet donkey, SHERBERT, and her Little Sister TINA whose really taller than her (their part of the Big Sister-Little Sister program so there not really related) to carry her around so she no longer steps on dandelions. But being careful is a tiresome process. Sometimes she just wants too give up, give in, and Kill. More. People.
WEEDS LEAD TO THE GRAVE, my 19,500 word novel which might technically classify as a novella is half middle-grade, half new adult, part science fiction, part mystery, and 95% horror. SPOILER ALERT: There are a few romance scenes with “heavy petting.” I think this book would be a hit in health classes everywhere, as there is an explanation of the female reproductive organs in chapter 23. The other thing that makes this novel unique is that all the chapters have a name followed by an inside joke I have with that person. There’s an audience of 30 automatically, since I’ve written to each of these people letting them know they are featured in a book.
Has the Jeopardy music finished yet? Have you realized what an amazing seller this will be? I know I didn’t expound upon the romance, but I had a Nicholas Sparks look-a-like read this and give the following review: “This surprising debut from Carrie Ingram will quite possibly make you swear off dandelions for the rest of your life.” Such a strong emotional reaction from a wide audience is just what your looking for, I know it. My previous experience is N/A, but my writing speaks for itself.
If you don’t contact me (Twitter is the preferable method), I can contact you, no prob. If you want to spread news pre-publication, that’s even better—just use #CarrieIngramrocks so my ex-boyfriend knows all I’ve accomplished.
Counting the minutes till your response,
Carrie Ingram @Author4Keeps, Your most profitable future client
P.S. I am also very humble and can help with advertising when I’m not at work.
P.S.S. On second thought, I can help at work too. My boss never checks my Internet history.